An Interview with Renowned Psychotherapist and Bestselling Author Terri Cole

“Women are expected to be self-sacrificing; they're supposed to be nice, agreeable, and compliant. Society has taught us that the fewer boundaries we have, the more feminine we are – and I just don't believe that! A Boundary Boss knows who she is, what’s okay and not okay for her, and how to communicate that to the people in her life. This doesn't have to be loud; you can be a very introverted person and still be a true Boundary Boss. But first, you have to uncover your learned and uncritically adopted behavioral patterns – but nobody has to muddle through that alone, I will guide you step by step!” Renowned psychotherapist Terri Cole, author of the global bestseller “Boundary Boss,” is convinced that we can all learn to set the right boundaries and communicate them clearly and effectively.

Based on your many years of experience as a psychotherapist and empowerment expert, you are convinced that healthy and stable boundaries are the key to a fulfilling life. How did you come to this realization?

Terri Cole: Well, they say that you teach what you most need or needed to learn yourself. So I came to this realization because I struggled with and suffered from disordered boundaries in my own life, but I didn't recognize it. As a result, I was unhappy in many of my relationships. I felt exploited. I was reserved, somehow disconnected all the time – and I resented others for it. Then I found a good therapist who could tell me what was going on: “You are the common denominator in all these relationships, Terri.” She helped me realize that my problem wasn't necessarily that other people were taking advantage of me or exploiting me, but that I didn't know how to set boundaries with people. So they didn't really know how I felt about things. That was my personal start as a "Boundary Boss." And once I had truly learned that over many years, my life changed, and my relationships improved. Then I saw the same thing in my therapeutic practice: I witnessed women suffering in the same way I had. And I knew that setting the right boundaries would be the solution for them too, to lead a fulfilling, satisfying life.

Your clients include media personalities and successful businesswomen, as well as the stressed-out mom next door. Why is it mainly women who have problems with setting boundaries?

Terri Cole: It comes from how we grow up, what we learn from our families of origin, our society, our culture. I call these learned or uncritically adopted behavioral patterns the "blueprint" for our boundaries, and we learn all this very early on: To be a good woman, you have to sacrifice yourself. You have to give your last shirt for everyone. You're supposed to be agreeable, you're supposed to be nice, you're supposed to be compliant. And all these directives are in some ways the opposite of setting boundaries – because having boundaries means speaking your truth about how you feel, what you want, what you like and what you don't like. I think society has taught us that the fewer boundaries we have, the more feminine we are. And you know, I just don't believe that! We can all learn to speak the language of boundaries "fluently," understandably, and comprehensibly.

By "Boundary Boss," you mean a woman who knows herself and her dysfunctional behavioral patterns very well. Why is it so important to become a sovereign Boundary Boss?

Terri Cole: The entire first half of the book is about going inward before we turn outward. A Boundary Boss is someone who has done their "inner work," and the book will guide you through that. We need to understand why we are the way we are. We need to have compassion for ourselves, for what we learned in our families of origin, and develop an understanding, so to speak, of the "right way to be in the world." For reserved people, the idea of setting boundaries can sometimes seem intimidating – do they now have to learn to come out of their shell? No, being a Boundary Boss simply means knowing your own preferences, desires, limits, and inhibitions, and knowing that you are allowed to assert yourself and speak your truth about how you feel. A Boundary Boss knows who they are, what's okay and not okay for them, and how to communicate that to the people in their life. This doesn't have to be loud; you can be a very introverted person and still be a true Boundary Boss.

Terri Cole herself first had to learn to question uncritically adopted behavioral patterns, to stand up for herself, and to set healthy boundaries. We cannot expect others to do this for us proactively – we must and are allowed to communicate clearly what is okay for us and what is not.

While you wrote your book with so-called cisgender women in mind, you promise your readers that essentially everyone can benefit from the strategies and content. What experiences do men or people from other cultures have when it comes to setting boundaries?

Terri Cole: I believe that fundamentally every person struggles with setting boundaries, because nobody has really learned how. Many men can learn from this book how to set healthy boundaries in the right way. They may feel a lot of pressure to be the provider or to do things alone – that's often the case with men, from a traditional gender-normative standpoint, isn't it? I'm not saying this is the only standpoint, but if we look at "classic" gender roles, men are expected to act in a certain way, to be more independent, to have answers, and to be action-oriented. However, the reality is that there are many men who, just like many women, suffer from what I would call the "disease of people-pleasing." To briefly answer the question about other cultures as well: there are nuances within the book; I am aware of the fact that some cultures are much more misogynistic than others and that they are less committed to the equality of women. It is therefore clear that there are sometimes big differences in how many and which boundaries one can draw.

In your book, you emphasize the importance of taking stock of one's own life history and experiences. What role does family upbringing play in this, and how can one consciously change learned dysfunctional boundary patterns?

Terri Cole: As I've hinted, our "blueprint" comes from family of origin patterns, from experiences, the country, culture, and society, from all societal norms, expectations, and roles. To consciously change them, you need to know what it looks like; I'll help you with a whole series of questions. You'll get a snapshot of where your beliefs about boundaries come from, because these are like architectural designs for a house that someone else designed decades ago. They are unconscious paradigms passed down from one generation to the next – how one should behave, how relationships, how women should be, and how men should be. One of the most important things you'll do in this book is discover your own boundary plan, because that's the navigation system you can use to understand which beliefs you want to change. Because the thing is: you can deeply love your family of origin and still disagree with them. It's allowed to choose something different, but you need to know what's in your unconscious blueprint to change it if necessary.

The bestseller: The English original has sold over 100,000 copies and been translated into 18 languages. We all need help with boundary setting, because almost no one has ever been allowed to learn it. Terri Cole provides her readers with reliable strategies and techniques to recognize their own needs, design their personal "boundary plan," and enforce it clearly and comprehensibly.

You describe your book "Boundary Boss" as a strategic guide or a kind of training. That doesn't exactly sound like a feel-good self-help book and demands a lot from readers. What prerequisites should one have, and how do you deal with setbacks or difficult people in your own environment?

Terri Cole: The thing is, self-empowerment and personal responsibility feel good, and the way the book is written is based on case studies and personal stories. So it's not just a hard-hitting guide that says, "Get to work!" I tell stories to illustrate the concepts, and then I guide readers to recognize themselves and their own experiences within them... No one has to muddle through alone, we do it together.

If you are currently struggling with difficult people in your environment, the first thing I would advise you to do is to take an inventory. This will show us the relationships that most urgently need our attention. You simply write down the name of the person and what you feel – anger or rage or lack of appreciation or whatever it is that you have perceived negatively. Such an inventory shows us which relationship needs our attention and often develops into a roadmap for which relationships we need to work on first. Setbacks are part of it, because that's how our brain works. Two steps forward, one back. That's how we learn.

So don't expect that just because you know what you should do, you can do it right away. I'll guide you through the whole process and prepare you for the resistance you might encounter in your relationships, for the way people react or don't react. And I also teach you a great deal of self-care, because this work is not for the faint of heart and can be exhausting. Especially if you may have had a difficult childhood. But you know, it's worth it, and you are worth it. And I promise you that anyone who wants better boundaries can achieve this in their life by reading "Boundary Boss" from beginning to end and doing all the exercises. And I also guarantee you that something in your life will change for the better.

Book Recommendation:

Terri Cole: Boundary Boss. I Set My Own Boundaries! Find Clarity and Finally Live Self-Determined. Mankau Verlag, 1st ed. October 2024, flap paperback, 13.5 × 21.5 cm, 286 pp., €22.00 (D) | €22.70 (A), ISBN 978-3-86374-734-3

Link Recommendations:

More information about the book “Boundary Boss”
To the reading sample in PDF format
More about Terri Cole
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