Interview with Bestselling Psychologist on the "Self-Sacrifice Trap"

"If you feel chronically exhausted or that your relationships are draining you, it's time to find healthier boundaries and prioritize your own well-being. I want to help you break the cycle of overwhelm, over-functioning, and emotional exhaustion and reclaim your energy, time, and self-worth – without guilt." The successful psychotherapist and bestselling author ("Boundary Boss") Terri Cole shows in her guide "Too Much!" how to escape the hamster wheel of "too much," heal one's emotional patterns, and find the right balance of (self-)care.

Following your bestseller "Boundary Boss," your new book is being released in German. What can readers of "Too Much!" look forward to?

Terri Cole: "Too Much!" helps dedicated, empathetic people break the cycle of overwhelm, over-functioning, and emotional exhaustion. Readers will learn to set healthier boundaries, recognize their patterns of "high-functioning codependency" (as I call it), and reclaim their energy, time, and self-worth – without guilt.

For your book, you developed the concept of "high-functioning codependency" (HFC) that you just mentioned. What experiences inspired you to do so, and what exactly does it mean?

Terri Cole: In my decades of work as a therapist, I observed a pattern in dedicated clients who appeared successful but were inwardly burned out and exhausted because they constantly took care of everyone else's needs. "HFCs" are overly involved in the feelings, decisions, experiences, and outcomes of others, while appearing to have everything under control. This is a special form of codependency, just with better "branding."

It is particularly successful, committed, and empathetic people who feel responsible for everything and everyone else and act accordingly. What triggers this excess of empathy and functionality, and what consequences does it have for those affected?

Terri Cole: This pattern often begins in childhood when love and security are conditional. Excessive empathy becomes a survival strategy. The price to pay later? Chronic stress, resentment, overwhelm, burnout, and relationships that feel one-sided or unfulfilling.

When people hear "codependency," they usually think of partners or families of addicts. What do these have in common with HFC, and what is the difference?

Terri Cole: Both conventional codependents and HFCs put others' needs before their own and struggle with their boundaries. The difference is that HFCs tend to be highly capable and outwardly successful, and are often unaware that their self-sacrificing behavior is actually codependent and unhealthy.

Empathy is beautiful and important. But those who do not maintain the right balance and fundamentally feel responsible for everyone and everything will ultimately pay for their "high-functioning codependency" with chronic stress, exhaustion, resentment, and one-sided relationships.

Being there for others, being selfless, empathetic, and caring are values and behaviors that are socially desirable and taught through upbringing. Where does the dysfunctionality begin here, and how do I recognize that something needs to be done about it?

Terri Cole: Empathy is a beautiful and important thing – but when it leads to self-abandonment and self-sacrifice, it becomes dysfunctional. If you feel chronically exhausted and resentful, or that your relationships are draining you, it's time to find healthier boundaries and prioritize your own well-being.

For those affected by HFC, everything revolves around relationships, but these are mostly unbalanced or even toxic. Why do HFCs often end up with narcissistic partners, and how can this relationship chaos be overcome?

Terri Cole: HFCs are conditioned to earn love by overgiving or putting themselves last and "serving" – this can attract narcissists who like to take and be served! To break this cycle, we need to build our self-worth, heal our emotional patterns, and learn to choose mutually fulfilling relationships.

"Everything I teach is something I personally had to learn": Terri Cole is authentic and credible, her books and advice reflect much experience – and much heart. Therefore, countless people gladly accept the advice of the successful psychologist. As of August 2025, she has over 230,000 followers on YouTube, almost 203,000 on Facebook, and 253,000 on Instagram, among others.

With your podcast "The Terri Cole Show," you inspire more than 250,000 listeners weekly, and you reach around 500,000 followers through social media. What is the secret to your success, and what do you think people find particularly appealing?

Terri Cole: I am one of them. Everything I teach is something I personally had to learn. I also commit to speaking my truth lovingly and delivering actionable tools every week that work. People tell me they are thrilled with my direct yet compassionate approach and appreciate that I have experienced and lived what I teach. I help them feel seen and understood, and empower them to change. They believe me: If I could change, grow, and evolve, then they can too. They know that I am sincerely committed to helping them get what they want in life.

Terri Cole Too Much! For those who give, do, make, think, feel too much Break the cycle of overwhelm and rediscover life Mankau Verlag, 1st edition August 2025 Paperback 13.5 × 21.5 cm, 270 pages ISBN 978-3-86374-767-1, 22.00 Euro More about the book →

Recommended Links

More about the book "Too Much!" →
To the reading sample in PDF format →
More about author Terri Cole →
To the social networks – for questions, criticism, suggestions →