“Free yourself from the clutches of your relationship!”

Interview with communication trainer and bestselling author Bärbel Mechler ("Surrounded by Psychopaths")

"Psychopathic characters are severely disturbed people who are incapable of deep relationships and genuine feelings. If you have such a person at your side, you must first realize that he has never loved you and never will; then you must go your own way, regardless of what your psychopath thinks, says or does. I will accompany you on this path with practical advice from many years of experience. Aristotle already knew: We cannot command the wind, but we can reset the sails and re-determine the course."

The communication trainer Bärbel Mechler, author of the paperback “My (ex-)partner is a psychopath”, accompanies victims of psychopathic relationships very successfully and provides competent help in the difficult handling both of the aggressive (ex-)partner and of public institutions such as the family court and the youth welfare office – for the best possible protection of all those involved.

Why do so many people fall for psychopathic personalities?

Bärbel Mechler: I could ask in return: Why shouldn't they do it? Psychopathic characters are very charismatic, eloquent, polite and courteous in the conquest phase. They talk about great love, seem interested and pretend to have the same feelings as their chosen ones, to hold the same views and much more. An inexperienced person is not capable of suspecting such an abyss behind so much magic. The reality, however, is that these individuals proceed step by step, according to a sophisticated prey pattern. They use fixed, successful conquest strategies. An important part of these is that the choice of the respective partner is made according to calculated criteria: an essential aspect is that they prefer emotional, tender and vulnerable people who have precisely that deep emotional level that is inaccessible to them. And sensitive people are much more willing to believe them, to trust them, to blame themselves when in doubt, and even in painful situations they still hope for the good in the other person's heart.

What can those affected expect when they become attached to such disturbed people?

Bärbel Mechler: Since such relationships begin like fairy tales, the victims often refuse to admit to themselves that they are spiraling into disaster for a long time. The supposed experience of being loved and desired and of being a very special person was too beautiful and too deep. But these sick people do not know how to give themselves away, to surrender themselves into the hands of another. They plan, seduce and control in order to satisfy their perverse needs. Their partners were never loved. On the contrary, they are simply integrated into the psychopaths' existing everyday life and into their merciless concept. By the time the victims finally acknowledge that they have been cheated on, they are usually so destabilized by the constant belittling, humiliation and lies that they can no longer make clear decisions. They are often afraid to stay in the relationship and just as afraid to leave it.

From your years of practical experience and the case histories of many clients, you can develop concrete coping strategies and action skills. What do you recommend to those affected as a first step to free themselves from a psychopathic relationship?

Bärbel Mechler: The first step towards an independent life is the realization that you are dealing with a sick person, with sick values ​​and sick actions. These are facts that allow no hope, which must first be taken into account in daily communication. As long as what your psychopath thinks or responds to you is still important to you, you will remain caught in his vortex. Only when you give up the desire to be understood will you be able to focus your energy on what really matters - namely, achieving your own goals, such as separation.

What do mothers or fathers have to fear in the event of a separation if they have children with the psychopath?

Bärbel Mechler: There are several serious reasons to think very carefully about a separation if you have children together. Those affected must at least be aware that if they go ahead with their plan, they can expect ongoing disputes about maintenance payments and visitation rights. They must also assume that the psychopathic parent will speak condescendingly or aggressively about them in the presence of the children. But the greatest fear is certainly that they will no longer be able to protect their children during visitation times. This is not surprising, as they have experienced countless perfidious attacks themselves that justify these fears. There are fathers who pick up their children at the weekend and leave them with different babysitters just to torment and punish the mothers. Psychopaths themselves do not mind seeing their children suffer or abuse them for their own purposes. That is their dark power.

Can’t courts and youth welfare offices protect children?

Bärbel Mechler: Unfortunately, you can't count on that automatically. That's the dilemma: psychopathic people are masters of deception and they manage to win other people over relatively easily. If, for example, a court case involves custody disputes, they will use every opportunity to get people involved in the process, such as experts, legal counsel, youth welfare office employees, etc., on their side in advance. And this usually works well, because their manipulations, lies and slander are perfectly placed. This increases the victims' fear of losing their children. They experience the whole range of helpless feelings, from utter despair to total paralysis. And the psychopath can gain the upper hand even more easily. If they are then represented by lawyers who have not dealt with this issue or are not very assertive by nature, then they will inevitably lose out. That's why I give those affected a number of essential, practical tips: For example, they should know how to make their voice heard in court if their lawyers are no good, how to prevail in disputes with the youth welfare office and how they can play a positive role in any mediations ordered by the court. A well-founded set of tools gives a good deal of security and confidence.

Book tip:
Bärbel Mechler: My (ex-)partner is a psychopath. Ways out of the victim trap Mankau Verlag, 1st edition March 2017, paperback, 382 pages, 12.90 euros (D) / 13.40 euros (A) ISBN 978-3-86374-374-1.

Link recommendations:
More information about the guide "My (ex-)partner is a psychopath
More about Bärbel Mechler
To the Internet forum with Bärbel Mechler